Mistakes

So, we all make mistakes. It's not something we like, or are proud of, but it happens. And for the most part, these mistakes are unfortunate, but not horrible. However, every once in a while, we manage to actually fuck up really bad. Really, really, bad.

Luckily for me, even though I made a series of extremely poor choices, I came out of it alright. Call it God, luck, fate, karma, it doesn't matter; the bottom line is I am one lucky kid.

One thing that's really hard when you make a mistake is admitting it and dealing with the shame and judgement of others. Once again, I am so lucky. I am surrounded by caring, understanding people, who have looked past my epic failure almost instantly. I don't what I did to earn such good friends, and while I appreciate them being so amazing, it also makes me feel even worse about letting them down. Which I guess I deserve.

Often, the easiest part of making a mistake is actually physically fixing it. This typically involves a pretty straightforward series of steps. It's the part of the mistake involving people that seems impossible to fix and never really goes back to the way it was.

Despite how ridiculously beyond stupid I was, and how improbably lucky I was, I still regret what happened, but I'm also glad.

For one, I realized that I am not my own self-contained disaster bubble. Everything I do affects others, whether I see it or not. Knowing that my recklessness can hurt others has changed how I think about what I do and will change how I make decisions, knowing that any mistakes I make could hurt my friends.

I also learned a valuable lesson regarding how to handle mistakes. When you make a mistake, even one as horrible as mine, there is nothing you can do to change the past. You can't go back and make different choices. You can only look at the situation and focus on doing what must be done. Do not spend time pitying yourself or looking for others pity. Do not spend hours berating yourself or blaming yourself or others. Simply admit that you did indeed fuck up, and move on. This is by no means easy, but the truth is, none of that stuff will help anyone, accomplish anything, or make the situation better.

Instead, you just have to pick something to do, and do it. Focusing on the things that need to be done and pouring all your energy into them will not only help you and everyone else forget, but it will help you redeem yourself, in your eyes and maybe in others eyes, by showing that you are stronger than your failures and short-comings.

There are no mistakes, just steps you didn't realize were on the right path.

Here's to praying that holds true. In the end, you still control your attitude, if nothing else, so be the kind of person you should be and not the kind of person it's easy to be.